Here is my new project. My tram flap surgery left me with a large scar from hip to hip. What's a girl to do? Cover it up!

A Pillar of Strength

That was my only option. After hearing Dr. T tell me and Brandon it was malignant..we cried in his office, listened to his recommendations, took the pieces of paper with names of new doctors to meet and left. I think that was the only time I cried until almost two years later. I had a 4 year old son who needed to see I was okay, a husband who already looked at me as though I was a ghost, a mother who had already lost her baby sister to this disease and dealt with my fathers diagnosis and of course my father who knew what I would be going through with treatment and would always tell me it would be alright but I saw how much it pained him. No, I just had to do what I had to do. Never did the thought that I wouldn't survive cross my mind. I would have the surgeries and cocktails and make the best out of it. What choice did I have. I could go through it miserable and feeling sorry for myself..would that make it easier for me? For the people around me? The surgery I opted for would leave me with a flat tummy and perky boobs. The chemo would give me a chance to get funky with wigs...wow this was almost looking like fun. I'd convinced myself..this is going to be a breeze. Even with the surgical complications..I'd had many from excessive fluid build up, necrosis, abdominal hernia to giving myself a third degree burn with a damn heating pad..it was no big deal. I remember my dad going through chemo..he always went to work throughout. I pretty much did as well..taking only one day off..the day after treatment. I never got sick..just a little tired. My onc kept telling me my bloodwork was coming back not only good for a chemo patient but good for a normal person..thank God for Zofran..my daddy's recommendation.

My cancer was always good for a joke at work..if someone was really mad and demanded to speak with me (the manager) right then and there and I wasn't in..my bookkeeper would say to them very matter-of-factly "Well she is probably right in the middle of her chemo treatment..I could give her a call and let you talk with her". It would usually calm them down a bit. I would wear different wigs on different days and have people come up to me and ask to speak with the manager. I would say yes I am the manager..they would say nooo the red head. I would excuse myself go back to my office flip on the red wig..walk out and ask them if this was better..I guess in hindsight it was kind of mean..but a laugh for the office. One day a woman had heard I had had reconstruction and decided to share the story of her friend who had her nipple fall off after areola reconstruction..HEY I WASN'T THAT FAR ALONG YET!!! I told my co-workers about her story and it was decided that if that should happen to me that maybe the maintenance department could wire it to be the office bell.

I really felt that if I didn't take it so seriously no one else would either and it seemed to be working..for everyone but Brandon. He was terrified, felt left out...I had an incredible support system who was always there for me...he had no one. I was always happy and alive..he always saw me as dying. Since he had no one to talk to..he would talk to me. I know now after that what my husband felt is what every husband of a breast cancer survivor probably feels...would they tell their wives..probably not. Was it selfish of him...maybe...can I fault him for it..absolutely not! There is no real support system for husbands..in a support group for families of bc survivors..how could my husband express the fear of his loss of sexual attraction and the fear of looking at his wife naked during reconstruction that it would always be embedded in his mind and leave permanent scars of his own..while the grieving mother of another bc survivor listens on. He became resentful and angry. We fought alot. We both knew our marriage was something that may not survive. We have since began finding each other again..we have set backs..we work back towards each other again. I love him..but he so sensitive..but I think initially that is why I fell in love with him.

Nothing was hidden from my son..I would explain to him on his level (which is nothing short of genius..lol) what was going on with me. He went on occasion to doctors appointments, saw my scars, he knew I was sick but that I would be fine in time, he even emptied my drains. My in-laws throughout treatment were my saving grace, the voices of reason and they were able to take Joshua during rough patch times..surgeries, sleepy chemo days and times when emotionally things weren't the best at home.

Then all of sudden..wham!! A year came to a close..no more surgeries..no more treatment..what do I do now. I'm not doing anything anymore to make sure the cancer is gone. I look at people that haven't gone through this and I am so very different. I want things to be back to normal but I know they won't. What is normal anyway? Was I ever really normal? Would the cancer come back? Is that pain in my back mets? Is that headache a brain tumor? All of a sudden I needed someone to talk to..I was kind of thrown in a panic. That is when I found an on line support group for young women..Sisters in Survivorship. I realized after a couple of days reading posts on the boards that I am normal...in some circles, anyway..

This is Sammy

This Is Where It Ends

I don't buy everything I read, I haven't even read everything I've bought
I don't cry every time I bleed, my eyes are dry, but they're bloodshot

I have faith in medication. I believe in the Prozac Nation
You play doctor, but I've lost patience

But this is where it ends. This is where it ends..
Call the police and call the press
But please, dear God, don't tell my friends
This is where it ends. This is where it ends...

Where's my pride? Where's my self-esteem?
Does it show in the drinks I've bought?
I don't hide every time I'm seen, but I try not to get caught

Make excuses for behaviour
Can my illness be my saviour?
Hid my heart while you still gave yours

But this is where it ends. This is where it ends...

He says he wants to live in a movie
I say I want someone else to stand behind me
And write it all down'Cause I can't be bothered doing it myself.
And I don't want the responsibility of proving it's importance.

I have loved and I have waited
Been picked up and been sedated
mental health is overrated

But this is where it ends, This is where it ends....

~Barenaked Ladies

My angel

Joshua
My little gangster

My Very Own Song

I met my husband just before my 19th birthday. We pretty much moved in with each other 2 weeks later. He made up this song for me and whenever I think of it it makes me smile.

I adore-el Laurel
There's never been a name quite so floral
Except maybe Rose or Begonia
But I'd rather have my Laurel than pneumonia

Did I mention he used to do stand up comedy?

I Was Always Waiting

From the time I was 12 I knew that one day I would be diagnosed with breast cancer. You see this was when I lost my favorite aunt, Elyse to the disease. My aunt was everything I wanted to be. She was smart funny beautiful and only 27 years old. She was my mothers younger sister and had a two year old son at the time. This was 26 years ago. I remember her being sick and seeing her radiation burns..they looked like tire tracks on the top of her chest. She had had a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation but two years after diagnosis it had metastisized to her brain. My mother also has a twin sister who has 3 daughters. I always said I would be the one to get cancer. It was never really a fear...more of an observation.

I found my first lump in 1984 when I was 18 years old. The doctor was unable to get anything from a needle biopsy because of where it was located, directly behind my nipple. So off I went for a lumpectomy to find it was only a cyst. This started the cycle of lumpectomy after lumpectomy. By 1995 I had had 5 lumpectomies. Three determined cysts, the last two were called benign tumors. All of them were in the same spot. I'm thinking now, the time is coming. My husband would joke.."they should just put a zipper in next time". After the last surgery my incision would not heal. As soon as the skin would fuse together an infection would start and break the incision open again. After operating again and MRIs my doctor was stumped as to why it would not heal. This lasted for two years. I spent these two years continually packing the wound and wearing gauze on my breast. In April of 1997 I became pregnant. I don't know if it was the shift in my hormones or what but the infection just went away. In January of 1998 I had my beautiful boy and was able to breast feed but only with one breast..the healthy one.

In September of 2002 that same old lump was back. I called to make an appointment with my gynecologist. He was out of town, but I could see another doctor. So I made the appointment. The doctor I saw, Dr. Morse was very young and a new doctor. She examined my breasts and said she couldn't feel anything. I kept saying its there, I feel it. Obviously a little perturbed that I was questioning her abilities..she said "well I guess you know your body then, I'll send you for a mammogram". I went for my mammogram a week later. And guess what? I really didn't know my body that well at all..or maybe I was just so concerned with my same old lump that I completely neglected to check out any other part of my breast. The mammogram showed the same old lump as well as another one on the same breast higher up closer to my collarbone. When the technician showed me where I felt it. My God it was right at the skin surface you could slightly see it when looking in the mirror. How could I have missed that??? Dr. Morse gave me a full breast exam..how could she have missed that???

I was then referred to a surgeon, Dr. Tsushima. I liked him immediately..but gosh he was just a boy. Okay he is 35 (I had to ask him-he looks about 20). Now I am feeling terribly old. He tries to aspirate both lumps to no avail. He schedules me for surgery on or around October 11th. He decides to remove both lumps entirely. He also tells me that it is highly unlikely that it is cancer. I have already shown a history of being cystic.

On October 17th I call his office to see if the results are in. The nurse says "oh yes they are hang on a second" She gets back on the line and says "Oh Laurel, they aren't in yet, but they will be tomorrow why don't you just come in at 2:00pm and meet with Dr. T. Bullshit!!!! I say okay thanks and call my husband. Brandon tells me to call my primary and demand the results they are there!!! I tell him okay and hang up. Here is where my fabulous dealing skills become known to me. After a few minutes of sitting at my desk, I call my husband back and tell him.."look we will go see Dr. T tomorrow let me not have cancer for one more day"....and I didn't..for one more day....

The Best Riddle

What is greater than God?
More evil than Satan?
Rich people want it.
Poor people have it.
And if you eat it you will die.


Nothing

100 things about me I could think of at the carwash

1. I was dx'd with breast cancer at 36 years of age
2. It changed my life...for the better
3. I have been married almost 18yrs to my sexy husband Brandon whom I met at the age of 18 years old in a seedy motel in Hollywood
4. I was at the time a heavy metal chick
5. We have a beautiful 6 year old son Joshua who has a death grip on my heart and amazes and delights me everyday
6. My mom is my best friend
7. My dad is also a cancer survivor and my role model in how to deal with this disease
8. I love to party!
9. I used to be very introverted
10. I am now very opinionated
11. I have a pug named Samantha, while going through chemo she was going through arsenic treatment for heartworm..we are both survivors
12. My only sibling is my younger brother, David and I love him dearly
13. I used to golf..but I wasn't very good at distance..short game was good
14. I do crossword puzzles
15. I love to dress sexy
16. I love to flirt
17. I am an awesome pool player..or maybe I just love it so much I think I am
18. I love to soak in a hot bubble bath
19. with candles lit around the tub
20. I want to "do" my plastic surgeon and my DH says he'd give me a pass
21. I love shoes!!!!
22. I want to sky dive
23. I manage a highrise building in Downtown Los Angeles
24. I start things and rarely finish them
25. I constantly lose my keys
26. I should wear my glasses more
27. I love having bbq's at my house with friends and family
28. I used to be a groupie...translation: Rainbow slut
29. I hung out with Jimmy Page one evening
30. I was friends with Izzy Stradlin from Guns N Roses..Axl and I did not get along
31. I lived in Las Vegas for three years but had to move home-I love to gamble
32. I went to cosmetology school...so did my husband
33. Both my husband and son are actors
34. I hate the spotlight
35. I was a bitch at my own wedding because I didn't like being the center of attention
36. I get really loud when I drink
37. I worry about my parents getting old
38. Family is always family..regardless of what they may say or do
39. I shy away from confrontation
40. I've never been in a fist fight
41. I am taking karate
42. I was raised Jewish
43. My husband converted to Judaism prior to our marriage
44. I no longer believe in organized religion of any kind
45. I do believe in "do unto others..." yada, yada
46. and karma
47. and love and respect
48. I look awful in red lipstick
49. The hair on my legs is so coarse it has shredded bedding
50. I love mexican food and sushi
51. I try not to eat carbs
52. I get car sick unless I am driving
53. I can be at total control freak
54. I hate to clean
55. For this reason, people may not just drop by my house
56. I am BRCA2+ and have had bilateral mastectomies
57. I have just started reconstruction to get my boobs to match
58. San Francisco is my favorite city
59. I want to go on a Mediterrenean Cruise
60. I am an exhibitionist
61. I cry at beautiful things
62. I cry more for happy than sad
63. When I had my son, I pushed for 4 hours breaking every blood vessel in my face and eyes
64. I cannot have more children...this is not a bad thing
65. I cannot argue if I am upset..I lose my train of thought
66. I can put bad things out of my mind easily..I don't dwell or worry
67. I love all aspects of sex and think of it as a sport
68. I have one tattoo on the small of my back
69. I intend on getting more
70. I have my who-hah pierced
71. I have had my nose and belly button pierced
72. My husband has his who-hah pierced
73. My dad is afraid we'll get stuck together and call him for a ride to the ER
74. I am afraid I am addicted to plastic surgery
75. ...or is it just my plastic surgeon?
76. I want to do mosaics
77. I am a proficient chess player
78. I used to read alot but I no longer possess the concentration
79. I want to learn how to play guitar
80. I love bananas and sour cream
81. My husband and I belong to a private couples club
82. I sometimes bartend there
83. People assume I am bisexual..I'm not..I'm bi-tolerant
84. I want a Harley
85. I like to collect original art by up and coming artists
86. I have had my hair every color
87. I have thrown up on rides twice in an amusement park
88. I am sooo into the discovery health channel
89. My husband, son and I share our favorite band..the Barenaked Ladies
90. I miss smoking cigarettes everyday
91. I hate to exercize
92. Basically I am a very lazy individual
93. I love doing things spur of the moment
94. I don't like to be snuck up on..I scream
95. I dream of winning the lottery
96. I will talk about anything in front of anyone..nothing is taboo
97. I do not judge-ever
98. I spend way too much time on the computer...drives my DH and son crazy
99. I have the most incredible, beautiful, strong, supportive, brave women in my life...MY SISTAHS!
100. I did not think I could come up with 100 thoughts about me

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